The Academy Must Formally Apologise to Jennifer Lopez (and Cancel the Oscars)

Ain’t it funny? No, it is not.

There is no shortage of injustices in the world to get outraged about, but overnight, another one got added to the list: the Academy neglected to nominate Jennifer Lopez in the category of Supporting Actress at the Oscars for her performance in Hustlers, the fifth best film of 2019 (and a better Martin Scorsese pastiche than Joker, it must be said).

Academy president David Rubin and announcers John Cho and Issa Rae reiterated that the Oscars were different from (read: "better than") other awards, because nominees were selected by their peers: editors nominate editors, directors nominate directors, actors nominate actors, and so on.

What we didn't realise until they unspooled the names in the Best Supporting Actress category—Kathy Bates, Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, Margot Robbie and likely winner Laura Dern—was that they were preparing us for J Lo's snub; mitigating the devastating blow by suggesting she was deemed unsuitable by 'real' actors.

Putting aside the all-knowing wisdom of an actors branch who apparently watched Bombshell and thought, 'Yes, this is good', Lopez's omission is the most glaring failure (and, we'll say it, betrayal) by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in recent decades... and they gave Green Book the Best Picture prize just 11 months ago.

It was also a tragedy they failed to acknowledge Awkwafina, Eddie Murphy, Lupita Nyong'o and other deserving would-be contenders in their respective categories, but those were all sitting on the bubble. J Lo’s turn as Ramona in the crime drama had already been given a nod at the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, the Critics' Choice Awards and by countless other guilds in the lead-up to the Oscars. Her film holds an 88 per cent score on Rotten Tomatoes and it was one of the highest grossing contenders of the year, earning $US157 million worldwide. Gold Derby had her listed as the third most likely nominee. Her performance even inspired a defamation lawsuit. There's no pretending the voters hadn't heard of or seen Hustlers.

Still, they cast their votes elsewhere, to other actors who are no doubt nice, and are definitely talented, but did not get introduced in their respective movies by straddling a stripper's pole to the strains of Fiona Apple’s "Criminal" (though, admittedly, I have not yet seen Richard Jewell).

Lopez has long been underserved and underappreciated by Hollywood (even despite her misfires, like Gigli), but she particularly deserved the nomination for her work in Hustlers, which demonstrated all her familiar talents—extreme agility, sensuality and maneaterdom—expertly balanced with sensitivity as the mother hen of a troupe of scheming strippers.

Her opening sequence, in which she struts onto the stage and performs a world-devouring pole dance, deserves to be immortalised in a museum. Her opening line, inviting Constance Wu to nuzzle inside her fur coat, encapsulates her character's warmth. And her climactic arrest scene, beautifully orchestrated by director Lorene Scafaria, shows how much J Lo can convey without saying a word. We’ve known this since Selena, but yes, Jennifer Lopez really can act.

Joaquin Phoenix was right when he said at the Golden Globes that these awards don't really mean anything (or, to quote him directly: "We all know there’s no f***ing competition between us"). And we shouldn’t give the Academy too much cultural cache, as they don’t actually decide what's iconic and what isn't: the only thing more impressive than the list of Oscar-nominated actors is the list of not-Oscar-nominated actors. Lopez and Hustlers will stand the test of time. But this snub remains evidence that the Academy is unable to recognise good cinema (and, maybe more specifically, demonstrates their regressive and ultimately sexist view of which kinds of performances and films should be feted).

Therefore, they must formally apologise to Jennifer Lopez, cancel the upcoming Oscars, and disband. Think of it like a double dissolution in the Australian system of government. The Academy has lost the public's faith in their ability to honour movies and performers. So, it's time for a reboot. Hollywood loves those!

I have helpfully outlined a schedule for them to rectify the issue below:

i. The Academy president issues a formal letter of apology to Jennifer Lopez on behalf of the membership.

ii. The Academy president visits Jack Nicholson and George Clooney, the once and former mayors of Hollywood and frequent front-row Oscar guests, to request permission to disband the Academy membership and cancel the upcoming Oscars.

iii. Once disbanded, craftspeople in the film industry are invited to reapply, so long as they are not on the precipice of death (which seems to be a current requirement) and have at least seen The Cell.

iv. All distributors and exhibitors must cease the screening of any new films that might be considered for Oscars in 2021. Instead, they are welcome to screen retrospectives in honour of Jennifer Lopez, comprising of Out of Sight, U Turn and Enough. Failure to comply will result in fines exceeding $US700,000.

v. In December of 2020, the new Academy members will be invited to vote for the films of 2019 once again, with one new rule added to their ballots: all potential nominees must have collaborated with Pitbull five times or more.

vi. The nominations are announced. If Jennifer Lopez is not among them, the Academy admits they are no longer able to even recognise cinema, as defined by Martin Scorsese, and permanently disbands. All cinema production ceases immediately. Television and "worldwide audiovisual entertainment" is still allowed.

In the meantime, we look forward to the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, where Jennifer Lopez is scheduled to perform. We’d like to see either of The Two (nominated) Popes do that.