What "I May Destroy You" Teaches Us About Consent

Trigger Warning: This article discusses sexual assault.

If you have spent the past few nights watching Michaela Cole’s raw and powerful show I May Destroy You, you probably have not stopped thinking about it since. Not only is the 12-episode series highly entertaining, but it is also an immensely thought-provoking exploration of consent, power and millennial life.

Basically, it’s one of the best shows we’ve seen this year.

I May Destroy You is a fictionalised account of Coel’s own survivor story, and centres on Arabella Essiuedu (Coel), a successful author who is feted as the 'voice of her generation' after publishing her debut book titled Chronicles of a Fed-Up Millennial. Except, she is struggling to write her second novel. When she runs out of inspiration, she takes a break from work and meets up with friends for a night out in London. However, when Arabella wakes up the next morning, she cannot quite recall the events of the evening.

After experiencing harrowing flashbacks, Arabella puts the pieces together with the help of her friends Terry (Weruche Opia) and Kwame (Paapa Essiedu) and comes to the frightening realisation that her drink was spiked, and she was raped in a bathroom stall.

From there, the show dives deep into how Arabella processes the traumatic incident, and the inconceivable impact it has on her life.

This event isn't the only example of rape that we see in the series. Consent remains a running theme throughout I May Destroy You, and the show also investigates a few separate instances of sexual assault.

Ultimately, these instances all highlight a deeply unsettling reality: there is still not enough education about consent and what constitutes sexual assault.

So, what exactly is consent? 

It's crucial that partners have a clear understanding of consent, which means "agreeing to have sex freely and voluntarily and with a clear mind."

According to ReachOut.com, sexual consent must be explicit. It's vital to check in with your partner because you can't just assume they're as into it as you are. 

Additionally, your partner is always free to change their mind. Even if they originally said "yes", both people should stop if someone is uncomfortable. 

Drinks and drugs also affect consent. If your sexual partner is drunk or under the influence of drugs and isn't sure what's going on, they cannot give informed consent.

While consent should always be completely straightforward, in some circumstances, it can be more subtly undermined. I May Destroy You shines a light on these more murky areas of consent and sexual violence. 

*Spoilers for all episodes of I May Destroy You below.*

In Episode 3, Arabella's best friend, Terry, believes she has agreed to a random threesome in Italy. Soon after, she finds out that it was orchestrated by two men. 

In the fourth episode, Kwame is raped while on a Grindr hook-up. The pair first have consensual sex, but when Kwame attempts to leave the apartment, his hook-up blocks the door and forces him on the bed, despite Kwame clearly saying "no" over and over again. 

Kwame is visibly shaken by the ordeal, but he is unsure if he has been sexually assaulted. His uncertainty leads him to Google whether nonconsensual humping is a crime (it is). 

Episode 4 also sees Arabella meet Zain, another author who is supposed to help her with her novel. Back at Arabella's flat, the two agree to have sex. Arabella asks Zain to wear a condom, which he slides off without her knowing. He later confesses that he removed the condom and Arabella is understandably upset. When she expresses her anger, Zain says, "You couldn't feel the difference? I thought you knew."

She didn't know. But she also doesn't immediately perceive the event as sexual assault. At the time, Arabella appears more annoyed by the prospect of having to buy the emergency contraception pill. 

everyone watch I May Destroy You and let’s talk about consent and how it’s the best show on TV right now.

— iuloshi (@iuloshi) September 8, 2020

It's only when she listens to a podcast where women share stories of men taking their condoms off during sex that she realises it was rape. 

In these instances, both Arabella and Kwame were initially unaware that they'd been sexually assaulted. Sadly, many victims of sexual assault experience similar confusion.

*End of spoilers.*

While these distressing events are undoubtedly difficult to watch, Coel's writing helps viewers gain a more thorough understanding of what constitutes sexual assault, and the complexities surrounding consent. 

Not only does I May Destroy You present a refreshingly empowering view of sexual assault survivors, but it also serves as a poignant reminder that when it comes to consent, there should be no 'grey areas'. 

I know I’m a little late to the game but “I May Destroy You” is a poignant and epic examination of consent, accountability, life, trauma, healing.... ugh I’m in awe. Watch it.

— megan letkeman (@megletkeman) September 9, 2020

Are you experiencing suicidal thoughts, sexual assault or domestic and family violence? Seeking to support someone who is? Call Lifeline on 131 114 or Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

Visit ReachOut to get support to help you with everything from everyday issues through to tough times.

Header Image: Binge