Don't Let A Toxic Relationship Weigh You Down: Speaking To Someone Who's Been There And Got Out

Hey, are you in a toxic relationship? Don't worry, you aren't alone.

When you’re in a toxic relationship, it can feel quite isolating. You might not know what to do, or have anyone to confide in.

Perhaps you even feel so trapped that the only person you could possibly turn to is the same person causing you harm.

It's a sticky situation, isn't it?

If you haven’t read part one of our series on toxic relationships, you can do so here.

We wanted to get an expert opinion first on how to get out of toxic relationships, which led us to the office of Jenny Douglas, experienced couples counsellor from Relationships Australia. She shared some advice on how to identify early warning signs of a toxic relationship; in particular, those telltale red flags that indicate – perhaps – things aren’t heading in the right direction.

Coming out of that interview, I really wanted to chat with someone who had experienced those realisations first hand.

We tend to learn a lot from our own mistakes; like trial and error. Similarly, it can be equally as valuable just listening to other people’s experiences. There's a wealth of knowledge to be found in other people's advice and life lessons.

Luckily, I had the incredible opportunity to sit down and chat with an inspiring young woman who is in her fourth year of university studies. She opened up about her previous relationship; a relationship she comfortably identifies as having been “toxic”.

Listen to our edited chat below, or read on for a summary of our conversation. (The young woman has asked to remain anonymous for this piece.)

When did you realise the relationship was verging into toxic territory?

“He [was] quite a socially intelligent person, and he’s very good at reading people so he picked up on all my insecurities very quickly. He used them to put me down all the time… The whole time I was dating him I felt like I was really lucky to be dating him – and like – basically, no one else would date me. He used to say things like, ‘oh you’re so lucky you found me, because no one else would date someone as crazy as you.’”

“He made heaps of fat jokes… [and] lots of jokes about me being a bit anxious... He also always used to make jokes about my friendships; so I felt like I didn’t have anyone apart from him… Through the relationship I became more and more isolated.”

“He told me we were going to get married… That we were like soulmates.”

What steps did you take to get out of the situation?

“I was really lucky [that] my parents intervened. My dad took me out for a coffee and was basically like, ‘you seem really stressed… Is it your boyfriend?’ And I just started crying. Even then, I didn’t consider breaking up with him. I was so under his control that I literally didn’t – couldn’t – envisage myself getting out of that relationship at all… Because I’d become so withdrawn and really anxious.”

“[When] I broke up with him, he was so unbelievably manipulative… Told me that he’d never be able to date again, because he couldn’t handle that level of pain; that I was ruining him.”

“My family were really supportive, and my parents were like, ‘you can’t be with someone for them… That’s not a sustainable solution… You have to both be there, otherwise it’s going to combust one day.”

Having been through something like this, what have you learned about yourself?

“If I’m in a relationship that’s not making me happy, I can leave. I have the power to leave… No one can keep me in a relationship.”

“As I was picking up the pieces I reconnected with a lot of my friends and developed a lot of new friendships… That’s been really nice as well, to have a friendship support network. They were so understanding and so lovely… I think breakups are one of those things that everyone’s been through and people just have an understanding and empathy for that, and they’ll just reach out to you.”

If you are in an abusive situation please seek help: Contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

Visit ReachOut to get support to help you with everything from everyday issues through to tough times.

Photo: iStock.