Okay, So You’re In A Toxic Relationship: What Next?

Humans: We’re a complicated bunch.

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where our mind, heart and body are communicating different things, all at once. You might find yourself in a relationship that you thought was going fine, but before you know it you hear this voice in the back of your head saying, “something isn’t quite right here.”

Most people can attest to having been in a bad relationship before. Of course, everyone has their own definition of what “bad” entails; for all intents and purposes, let’s just say a bad relationship is one that is no longer healthy.

Being in an unhealthy and toxic relationship can be severely draining on your mental and physical well-being. Toxic behaviour isn't always obvious; It can be discreet and stealthy. If your partner introduces toxicity into your life, they might also be very good at disguising it. Excuses like, “I act like this because I care about you,” may be commonly used when conflict arises.

Before you know it, these unhealthy tendencies can reach a boiling point. Sometimes, they can even verge into the realm of being abusive. The difficulty with toxic relationships is that, it’s often hard to walk away. It’s not as simple as sending a break up text and never seeing the other person again.

As someone who’s had their fair share of relationships – some good, some bad – I’ve often tried to decipher when things began encroaching on toxicity. This led me to wonder what kind of circumstances are common to toxic relationships, and importantly, how do you notice the early warning signs? If you detect red flags, how do you go about re-mediating it? Where would you seek help?

To get to the bottom of these questions, I spoke with Jenny Douglas, a Clinical Services Specialist at Relationships Australia. She’s a qualified couples therapist and has been listening to people’s woes for more than 30 years.

Listen to our edited chat below, or read on for some highlights.

Is there a distinction between an abusive relationship and a toxic relationship?

While it’s important to draw out the distinctions, Jenny makes a point that they can also co-exist. A relationship can be abusive and controlling, but also toxic. Jenny defines a toxic relationship as “a relationship whereby one person, or both people, in the relationship are – in fact – not prospering.” It starts to erode things like their self-esteem and their sense of agency; they also lose the capacity to function well.

Relationships can start out well and go into decline, it might happen because someone has been overwhelmed by a particular demand on the relationship. Some common ones that Jenny highlights are: changing of jobs, unplanned events and periods of depression. The relationship then may not have the capacity or flexibility to adapt for the different needs of each person.

When we talk about toxic relationships, we would mark it as the point at which a relationship leaves participants feeling anxious and emotionally drained. Jenny explains people may find themselves locked into unhelpful interactions and patterns of constantly criticising each other. It may even get to a point where they can't conduct a conversation without things deteriorating, or someone's feelings getting hurt or wounded in these discussions.

If this pattern becomes entrenched, then we are in the territory of toxic relationships.

Noticing hallmark red-flags in a toxic relationship, and bringing them up.

Sometimes, neither party will call it. You might be thinking, “this is just a temporary thing - things will get better.” They may see the red flags, but they don’t respond to them. As Jenny says, “one person always has to take the risk to bring it up.” It’s a big leap of faith, especially if fighting is already occurring on a regular basis.

By the time couples seek help, there may already be many layers of hurt and disappointment. Jenny notes that, “like most things in life,” the more deeply entrenched you are in conflict, the more effort it will take to get out.

Setting up safe conversations around important issues.

Jenny recommends having a general conversation like, “so, what are your thoughts on this?” as a safe starting point. When it becomes evident that they may have very different views to you, you might ask yourself, “well, what are the key things for me to raise here?”

In any relationship there should be a preparedness to compromise, but Jenny says you don’t want to compromise to the extent that you’re undermining your core values and beliefs. When we start acting against who we are in a relationship then, we aren't being authentic, and this can form part of what tips a relationship into decline.

Checking in with yourself and knowing your limits.

As a guiding parameter, the notion of being generous and giving to others is a positive one. Of course there may come a time where you reach a tipping point. Jenny describes a tipping point as the point at which the needs of your partner are impairing, and taking away from your own capacity to function. In that instance, it might mean that you need to broaden your base of support. If you have a partner who has a mental illness, it’s important to remember that you don’t need to be their health therapist, you just need to be their partner.

When you are the main emotional support for your partner, consider reaching out to support groups if you feel overwhelmed. Relationships Australia and Reach Out may be great places to start. Family and friends are also incredibly valuable sources of support, so don’t forget them either.

Sometimes the issues become too big for you to hold, at which point you may lose yourself in the relationship. Ask yourself, “are you happy in this relationship?” A healthy relationship is one that caters to individual needs too, not just your partner’s needs. There might be red ticket items which draw into question whether you can be with this person. You can compromise around certain things, but draw the line at key issues which your partner needs to honour.

If you don’t, you’ll always feel as though the glass is half full.

If you are in an abusive situation please seek help:

Contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277

Photo: iStock.