The Pain Of Being Unable To Play Pokémon Go

More than fifteen million people think catching and battling virtual monsters is the greatest joy life has to offer, and I’m stuck on the sidelines.

It turns out that the most unrealistic fantasy about Pokémon isn't the world-bending monsters, or the ten-year-old traveling battlers: it's having a constant signal for your Pokédex in the middle of nowhere. Bottom of the ocean? Sure. Middle of a forest? Okay. Top of a mountain? Why not? In the middle of the city? Well, for me, apparently not.

In case you've been living under a very big rock, Pokémon Go is a smartphone game that combines the Pokémon formula (catching Pokémon, training them, battling other trainers) with an augmented reality setup: as you walk around the real world, the game spawns Pokémon in different locations, and you've gotta physically go to that place in order to catch them all.

Okay, it sounds like a neat gimmick and fans of the series will enjoy it, but it's not that big of a deal, right? Well...

After only a few days, it's one of the most-downloaded apps in the world. It's an amazingly addictive game, and I can't play it.

To play Pokémon Go, your phone needs cellular data and GPS. A month ago, my phone decided that connecting to 3G networks was something it no longer wanted to do. So, no Pokémon Go for me.

I cannot escape Pokémon Go. Everyone I know is talking about it and playing it. No less than seven people have told me to play it since Friday. Not asked. Told. I wince every time I get a Facebook notification: half the time, it’s about Pokémon Go.

Twitter is full of Go screenshots and complaints about the server going down. All of my regular news outlets are spattered with Go news. Tumblr, unsurprisingly, is covered in Go memes. All of my Facebook groups are flooded with Go screenshots (even groups about dogspotting or birds or burgers). Snapchat is full of Go. Vine is full of Go. YouTube? Of course. Reddit? You bet. Periscope, Instagram, Yik Yak? Yep. Even Tinder. Tinder!

Just about the only place that's safe is LinkedIn, and it's only a matter of time before someone shares an article about "Ten things Pokémon Go can teach us about Business Synergy for Millennials".

"Just go outside," I hear you say?

That's the problem. That's where all the Pokémon Go players are.

This past weekend, 2000 people met up and walked around Sydney together, battling Pokémon, catching Pokémon, and socialising (about Pokémon), right outside my window. And I couldn't join in.

Every time I go shopping, there's always at least one overly excited trainer catching a Squirtle in the produce aisle. I'd like to battle them (or just get to the apples, please) but I can't.

My friend tells me about waking up in the middle of the night and walking down the street in their pyjamas to catch a rare Pokémon, and all I can do is think about how much I want to play. I hear people complaining about the weather, unwilling to go outside in the rain, and all I can think is that if I had Pokémon Go, I'd be outside chasing every last Zubat, rain, hail, or shine.

Because I'm a massive dork, apparently. Just like everyone else on the planet with a data connection.

Anthony Pearce is one of Student Edge’s student contributors. Learn more about the contributors program.

Photo: Instagram / _lach_ness_monster_.