Movie Review: Zoolander 2

I come here not to bury Derek Zoolander - only to eugoogalise him.

The modern meme-ification of 2001’s Zoolander really is impressive when you consider how poorly it fared at the box office. (Released shortly after 9/11, it met an audience of Americans not super in the mood to watch a male modelling spoof with frequent references to acts of international terrorism.)

And yet, fifteen years later, you can’t scroll down your Facebook feed without seeing someone exclaim, “What is this? A center for ants!” or another of the flick’s bizarre catchcries.

How to possibly explain it?

Well, it’s still funny for one. It’s also entirely singular and wonderfully unusual, courtesy of some bizarre, era-specific neon-rave costumes. (See also: every ‘N Sync outfit from that period.) Plus, the character of Derek Zoolander - played by director Ben Stiller - is sincerely endearing. You can’t help but root for the really, really, really ridiculously good-looking dunce.

Cut to 2016. That Zoolander. Just so hot right now.

Don’t blame returning director and star Stiller for wanting to capitlise on the much-loved original’s longevity by returning with Zoolander 2.

But everything else, like the lack of laughs, the lazy retread of old gags and an overall limpness to proceedings? Sure, we can put that on Stiller.

Zoolander 2’s first miscalculation is having Justin Bieber’s face appear first on screen, believing, wrongly, that people enjoy his presence. (There’s a reason he’s barely in the music videos anymore.)

Swiftly assassinated in the streets of Rome by masked gunman, he leaves behind a dying selfie that Interpol agent Melanie Valentina (Penélope Cruz) believes mimics one of Zoolander’s classic looks.

Bieber being only the latest musician to die with “Blue Steel” on their face (vale Bruce Springsteen, Demi Lovato, Lenny Kravitz), Valentina is desperate to find the retired fashion icon and see how he can help.

However, Derek is off the grid, living in the woolly, wintry outskirts of New Jersey after exiling himself following the untimely death of his wife Matilda (Christine Taylor) and the removal of his son Derek Jr. (Cyrus Arnold) by child services.

His exile ends after being summoned back to the world of modelling by the Donatella Versace-esque Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig, terrifying) and her hipster protégé Don Atari (Kyle Mooney).

The same goes for his similarly exiled – and mildly disfigured – frenemy Hansel (Owen Wilson), running from a life of domesticity (admittedly, domesticity with an entire orgy of newly-pregnant people).

All roads lead to Rome, where a reunited Derek and Hansel prepare for Alexanya’s new show, before finding themselves recruited for further espionage activity by Valentina. That’ll involve paying a visit to the fashion designer/ criminal mastermind (aren’t they all? jk) Mugatu (Will Ferrell) at his maximum security island prison. You will not believe that, by this point, less than an hour of movie has passed.

With four otherwise-proven screenwriters to divvy up “credit” (Stiller, Justin Theroux, Nick Stoller, John Hamburg), it’s hard to tell where precisely Zoolander 2 went wrong, except maybe everywhere?

Whereas the first feature mercilessly skewered the world of couture and the relevance (not to mention 'intelligence') of professional models, Zoolander 2 seeks only to use this backdrop to accumulate cameos, with wildly varying results. (Kiefer Sutherland? Good. Fred Armisen as a CGI child? Umm…)

The satire, this time around, is largely directed at how ca-ca-crazy 2016 is, compared to the apparently sane world of 2001. Farm-to-table Wi-Fi! Instagram filters! Selfie sticks! Ariana Grande! What a time to be alive.

The low point comes when Derek and Hansel are introduced to Don Atari’s androgynous muse All (Oscar nominee – not for this - Benedict Cumberbatch). Derek, clearly perplexed, is pressured into saying how psyched he’d be if his kid brought All home for dinner, lest he be accused of transphobia. The joke, here, is that the world has gone mad with political correctness in the years since Derek disappeared, and he is ill-equipped to adjust to the "madness". But I don’t know. For a guy who once had a sixsome with Hansel, Matilda, some Maori tribesmen and a monk, you’d think he’d be more open-minded.

The actors are all game, especially Cruz and the villainous duo of Wiig and Ferrell. The costuming and set design remains stroke-inducingly hypnotic too.

Still, there’s a lackluster energy to Stiller’s direction; this, despite his innovative, ultra-stylised flourishes having previously made magic in the unforgiving Hollywood takedown Tropic Thunder, and distracting from the egregious product placement and half-baked philosophising of the pleasant Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Besides some light, occasional chuckles, the return of your favourite fashion numbskulls does not incite the same joyous sense of reunion as Anchorman 2 or even Furious 7. The disappointment of Zoolander 2 makes you wish this particular franchise had stayed dead.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.

2.5/5

In cinemas now. Rated M for sexual references, violence and coarse language.