Movie Review: You’re Fired, "X-Men: Dark Phoenix"

The X-Men franchise dies doing what it loved: wasting opportunities and being the worst.

Dark Phoenix is, mercifully, the last in Fox Studios’ long, long, too long line of X-Men instalments, though it’s not the first to adapt this particular 'Phoenix' tale from the comic books.

Back in 2006, Brett Ratner took over the directorial reins from original helmer Bryan Singer to execute Jean Grey’s heel turn in The Last Stand, and I do mean execute. In that ham-fisted telling, the empathetic and telekinetic mutant played by Famke Janssen returned from the dead, having evolved into a global threat. Despite the acclaimed comic's origins, it is considered to be among the worst superhero features ever, and its immediate predecessors and follow-ups (excluding the late Wolverine spin-offs) are basically tied for second-last place. If you’re looking for lessons from the Singer/Ratner era, perhaps it’s this: Maybe don’t let terrible people direct your movies?

This time, Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner plays twenty-something Jean circa 1992, and she goes thermonuclear after absorbing some intergalactic goop while she and the X-Men are rescuing astronauts in outer space. (Do not try and tie the events of any previous film to Dark Phoenix; the timelines have been mangled in such a way that assuming a logical chronology, or even prior relationships between characters, is hubris of the most crazy-making kind.) In a development that should make you hit the 'eject' button with extreme velocity, it is written by Simon Kinberg, who has his name on many bad X-Men movies—plus Fantastic Four!—and was co-writer of The Last Stand. Insanity is hiring the same talent to make your X-Men pictures and expecting a different, not awful result.

Dark Phoenix marks Kinberg's directorial debut, and in an unexpected and unpleasant surprise, he has delivered the grimmest sequel yet. The tedium sets in early, and the violence is cruel and unearned. James Mangold’s Logan was no pleasure cruise; however, it was an engaging and thoughtful genre flick with a charismatic lead that built to a cathartic crescendo. Dark Phoenix is just a bummer, and not simply because of its tone. It’s also especially stupid, with one of its key action sequences involving characters spending ten minutes walking across two lanes of traffic while fighting for... I don't know why.

James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender return as frenemies/mutant daddies Professor X and Magneto, and they continue to hold their fingers to their temples and perform telekinetic gymnastics in forever-embarrassing poses. Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult are also back as shapeshifters Raven and Hank. I think they too would agree: they blue themselves. As for the rest? Kinberg’s script couldn’t even convince some of the saga’s least grating stars to appear for more than 10 minutes of its runtime, demonstrating how thin the X-Bench is these days.

There is a new villain, other than our fire-powered Jean Grey. Aliens land on Earth in the hopes of taking the power from Jean for their own nefarious uses, assuming the form of the first humans they see. The leader happens upon a white-blonde Jessica Chastain. If you saw the posters and figured Chastain’s ghostly visage was meant to signify her otherworldly villainy, it was actually just her human character’s dye job. Chastain’s performance, meanwhile, suggests a woman under siege. Not by aliens, but by a wig. She’s a very good actor, elsewhere, and Turner is the height of poise and steely determination on Game of Thrones. Here? There are no survivors.

Disney recently purchased Fox so it could fold comic book properties like the X-Men back into the Avengers-fronted Marvel Cinematic Universe, so there will likely be no remnant of Dark Phoenix or any prior X-Men entry going forward. It’s not the only reason Dark Phoenix feels redundant, but it is one of them. As the film shuddered to its awkward finale, its narrative structure having completely collapsed on itself through poor scaffolding and worse dialogue, I begged for Kinberg to just stop. Stop. It’s already dead.

1.5/5

In Australian cinemas now. Rated M for mature themes, action violence and occasional coarse language.