Movie Review: Witness "Cats" and Never Unsee Its Horrors

The makers of Cats were so preoccupied with whether or not they could CGI the junk off a nude Idris Elba, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Finally, a whole new generation can discover that the Cats musical is two hours of human-feline hybrids without genitals having no-touch sex and begging for death via song.

I’ve been a fan since I was a kid.

Director Tom Hooper, of The King’s Speech and Les Misérables, helms this adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s charmingly bizarre stageshow, itself based on a book of nonsense poetry by T.S. Eliot.

Thanks to its decades of theatrical omnipresence, Cats is a recognisable brand name, so turning it into a feature length film is a smart business bet on paper. The real test of its mainstream acceptance comes with the release of this big-budget movie, where newcomers will discover that it doesn’t really have a plot, and is instead a ceaseless roll-call of cat characters played by CGI’d actors.

It focuses on a particularly tiny breed of cat, known as the Jellicles, who assemble for the Jellicle Ball, in which they will perform for esteemed cat elder Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench). The winner will be selected to transcend their earthly bounds, fly to the Heaviside Layer in the sky, and be reborn.

Basically: it’s a bunch of cats auditioning to be killed.

They all have stumbly-bumbly names like Jennyanydots, Munkustrap and Skimbleshanks; most appear for one song and then recede to the background; it’s all very British and strange and, umm, a bit erotic too. (The female cats have the outline of human breasts, and all the cats have extremely defined butts, yet nothing at all going on in their nether regions. It is the only musical in history that is exclusively for adults with sexual peccadilloes that could never be uttered aloud, and children.)

Hooper and co-writer Lee Hall contrive a slightly stickier narrative by adding abandoned kitten Victoria, played by ballerina Francesca Hayward. She’s introduced to the Jellicle Ball and warned of the dastardly Macavity (Idris Elba), who keeps spiriting the top contenders away to an old barge, ensuring he’s the only one left to ascend to the next life. It’s plot enough, I suppose.

However, there’s a fatal miscalculation at the heart of Hooper’s adaptation, which is certain to disappoint those who are fans of the original production, and absolutely baffle anyone who isn’t immune to the sight of people pretending to be cats acting extremely horny around one another.

See, despite its title, the magic of the stage musical came from its showcase of sheer human physicality; athletic dancers demonstrating their acrobatic skill, mimicking the movements of cats and fearlessly bounding across the stage. Here, with the actors covered in "digital fur technology", there’s no way to distinguish what they’re really doing, and what’s been conjured up in a computer. Now, we can’t tell if that’s really Skimbleshanks tap-dancing. The roly-poly antics of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer (the best cats) don’t impress as much as they should. The tuxedoed Mr. Mistoffelees doesn’t even really prance in this one.

The performers with theatre backgrounds probably didn’t need the CGI-assist. At least the bigger names, like Elba, Jennifer Hudson (as Grizabella, who sings the show-stopper "Memory") and Jason Derulo (as Rum Tum Tugger) go all in, despite their faces appearing superimposed onto cartoon cat-monsters. Rebel Wilson is desperately miscast as Jennyanydots the Old Gumbie Cat, which is a real sentence I just had to write. And Taylor Swift only appears briefly as Bombalurina, to introduce Macavity (getting IMHO the show’s best tune), though she gets to convincingly live out what must have been a lifelong dream to inhabit the body of a cat. She also penned an original song, titled "Beautiful Ghosts", and, like "Memory", it avoids the "well, my name is this and I’m here to say…" structure of the other numbers, but sticks out like a cat’s sandpaper tongue.

Generally speaking, Hooper’s style and technical approach is just a fatal misfit for this musical, and though he doesn’t demand live singing here (as he did on Les Mis), the mix on the ensemble tunes is all off, with the vocals sounding indistinguishable. I mean, I’ve heard of caterwauling, but this is ridiculous.

The costumes are a bit confusing too. On the stage, seeing Old Deuteronomy and Grizabella in fur coats made sense, as it visually demonstrated their cat-hair through clothing. But now that they’re actually covered in hair, it appears they’re wearing the skin of their brothers and sisters. I guess it was that or have all the cats, even the ones not played by ultra-fit Broadway stars, appear buck naked. And as proven by the haunting visage of Elba’s neutered Macavity, this is the ultimate lose-lose situation.

2/5

In Australian cinemas 26 December 2019. Rated CTC.