Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean — Dead Men Tell No Tales

Don’t do as Johnny Depp does.

If you told a newcomer to the Pirates of the Caribbean series that, once upon a time, a spirited Johnny Depp (then a beloved character actor) earned an Oscar nomination (!) for playing wily sea dog Captain Jack Sparrow, they’d assume you were lying.

And they wouldn’t even be able to say which part of that sentence sounded like the biggest whopper. An Oscar nomination? Beloved character actor? Spirited?

In the sixteen years that have passed since his acclaimed debut voyage, Depp has certainly endured—and engineered—some, erm, troubles (most, it seems, on the Gold Coast set of fifth entry, Dead Men Tell No Tales) to make his initial success seem as absurd as any mythical legend.

The franchise itself has struggled too, under its own increasing heft, and today, the good ship Pirates is far removed from its early freshness and charm. In fact, this newie probably has more in common with the bloated animal carcass that recently washed up onto Indonesia. The one reprieve viewers may get from the comparison is, as of this writing, smell-o-vision has not yet been created.

Dead Men Tell No Tales is a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy; one in which the image of Depp has been distorted and made sadder. At 129 minutes, it is also the shortest instalment in the Pirates saga, so that’s something I suppose.

Able-bodied additions to the cast, Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario, even look like facsimiles of the original romantic leads, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, who have been ditched in favour of younger models. When Bloom cameos in the first scene, covered in barnacles, you start to wonder if that’s how Hollywood views the 40-year-old former heartthrob.

Directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg (Kon-Tiki) take the helm this time around, following on from the original trilogy’s Gore Verbinski and On Stranger Tides’ Rob Marshall. They’re certainly equipped for shooting sea battles, and, with cinematographer Paul Cameron, they do their best to inspire wonder (even achieving it with an aerial-shot of a ruby-studded island), but there’s only so much they can contribute.

The plot, if it matters, is set in motion by Thwaites’ Henry Turner, the son of Bloom’s barnacled Will Turner and Knightley’s Elizabeth Swann. Travelling the seas in search of the Triton of Poseidon—to free his father from a curse, obvs—he comes face to face with the undead Captain Salazar (a rotting, almost-entirely CGI Javier Bardem), who is himself looking for his nemesis, Captain Jack (Depp).

Henry soon meets Sparrow, and they team up with astronomer Carina Smyth (Scodelario), owner of the only map to the rumoured Triton, and Jack’s old frenemy Barbossa (the always deliciously over-the-top Geoffrey Rush). Why they’re helping one another is never really clarified, though being utterly baffled by the mechanics of a Pirates plot is par for the course. The same goes for Salazar’s unclear, vengeful mission, which boils down to: He’s so annoyed by Captain Jack’s pirate theatrics, he wants to bring death to the land of the living. Actually, maybe that I do understand.

If the first Pirates worked, it was because it married old school, farcical Hollywood thrills and spills with modern special effects and an unexpected and off-kilter performance from Depp.

Five films deep, it no longer matters who’s steering the ship. Screenwriter Jeff Nathanson isn't given room to innovate here; he can only imitate. And Rønning and Sandberg's attempt at re-enacting Buster Keaton-esque farce falls flat in the opening sequence, which, believe it or not, rips off Fast Five’s bank-vault theft. (Now they’re just photocopying any franchise forged in the 2000s.) 

One-time wild card Johnny Depp is now a liability, and the Pirates franchise refuses to admit it’s being bogged down by the increasingly-sluggish Captain Jack. Instead, the crew keeps on burying him in caked-on make-up and goatee strands. (I tried to Google the name for goatees with two front-facing rat-tails and, apparently, they’re called “the Sparrow”. How’s that for a legacy?)

2.5/5

In cinemas May 25. Rated M for supernatural themes and violence.

Photo: Disney