Movie Review: Blair Witch

Do not go in there. No, seriously. The resurrected Blair Witch is a reminder that some failed franchises are better off dead.

Fans of The Blair Witch Project, a landmark in horror cinema, have had to make do with two sequels over the past sixteen years. The first, Book of Shadows, tried something different, and was uniquely terrible. The second, 2016’s surprise-released Blair Witch, echoes the original, poorly.

At 90 minutes a piece, small portion size is, frankly, the best thing they’ve got going for them.

Choice truly can be a burden.

The awfulness of its successors at least cements The Blair Witch Project’s status as a genuine classic: Earning awful spin-offs and follow-ups (canonical or otherwise) is how you know you’ve made it, baby.

Director Adam Wingard and screenwriter Simon Barrett must have thought they’d made it when they convinced Lionsgate to hand them the reigns to the long dormant franchise, off the back of their ingenious slasher pastiche, You’re Next. Needless to say, their project has not gone the way of Creed, in which director Ryan Coogler managed to resuscitate Rocky for a new generation. Turns out the only muttering, lumbering, otherworldly creature of the '90s millennials are interested in is Stallone.

The Blair Witch Project inspired countless found footage films following its release in 1999. Couple advancements in DIY-recording technology with the accompanying, still-chilling mythology, and you can see the promise a proper sequel could hold. This one isn’t that. It stars James Allen McCune as James Donahue, sister of documentarian Heather, who long ago disappeared in the woods of Burkittsville, Maryland. (Her “footage” is what the first flick was apparently cobbled together from.)

Tipped off to her potential location, a hopeful James and his friends Lisa (Callie Hernandez), Peter (Brandon Scott) and Ashley (Corbin Reid) head off to Maryland, seeking his sis and, of course, documenting the emotional process. As the audience is informed from the start, Blair Witch is the combination of SD cards and tapes found after their eventful trip. So, don’t get too attached to this mob.

They’re escorted into Maryland's wilds by locals Lane (Wes Robinson) and Talia (Valorie Curry), who handily fill our city slickers in on the Blair Witch’s legacy. (In short, she was accused of witchcraft and executed, only to return, exacting vengeance by snatching away townspeople to her labyrinthine, hollowed-out home amidst the trees.) Lane and Talia have one handy titbit in their pocket: Apparently, if confronted by the Blair Witch, you should stand in the corner and avoid eye contact, because looking at her directly means instant death. I apply the same rule at social functions.

The six of them set up camp on their first night and are immediately tormented by mysterious noises and thatched witch figures outside their tents. The in-fighting and suspicion commences. Some members stroll off by themselves to clear their heads. No one told them they were in a horror movie, I suppose.

Wingard and Barrett’s picture finds no shortage of ways for our characters to record themselves; besides the traditional handheld devices, there are drones and earpiece cameras to ensure every moment has plenty of coverage. The digital cameras capture the night-time with absolute crispness. You have probably already picked the miscalculations at the core of this re-mounted Blair Witch.

The original is indeed divisive - and nausea-inducing - but its genius was in its look. On video, the format of choice for its Gen Xers, the Burkittsville woods appeared grainy and imperceptible, allowing our imagination to run rampant. (The shadow of Donahue running erratically while screaming, “what the f*** is that?” outdoes the lingering last shot at evoking pure terror.) Here, digital offers either total clarity or complete darkness. I guess I missed the homemade-music-video-for-a-metal-band aesthetic of yore.

In lieu of jump scares, the original’s actual filmmakers, Eduardo Sánchez and Daniel Myrick, relied on steadily accumulating dread, which came in the form of night turning to day and inevitably returning to night, over and over again; hope and rescue seeming further and further away. Blair Witch ’16 adds a crinkle: the hours pass, but daylight never comes. Sounds scary on paper. In practice, it lacks modulation.

The final minutes of Blair Witch take place in the house of horrors from the conclusion of the original; again, in my imagination, I once saw the appeal of a first-person ride through that demented anti-fun house. Not any longer. At least Wingard delivers the movie’s only two genuine frights within its walls. Before then, scares are entirely absent. However, early on, he does find a totally novel way to kill one of his cast members; so much so, I actually elicited an audible curse when it suddenly occurred. It wasn’t from fear; rather, pleasant surprise.

I was just happy to note that this talented director, lost in the wilderness, still had the devil in him.

2/5

In cinemas now. Rated MA15+ for strong supernatural themes.